I know… deep down in my heart somewhere… I know this is good. This, being motherhood. Being a mom. Taking care of a person forever. It’s good. It has to be good. I was made for this. That’s what they all keep telling me.

But every day is a constant barrage of thoughts that make me feel heavy. I can’t stop crying. Or overthinking. I am a constant spiral of crying and overthinking. Thoughts like, you’ve never felt worse. There is a better way. You should be so happy. Why aren’t you happy. You should be doing all of this better. Look at that list of things you need to do. You aren’t good at this. You should leave. This should be easier by now. It’s your fault it isn’t getting better. You should be more honest with people. No one is going to believe you.

I can’t remember the last time I felt good. Happy.

I am stuck in a tunnel with no light at the end.

I don’t know the answers to any questions. Simple questions. Why is he crying. What is for dinner. What is your schedule like tomorrow. Why haven’t you been to church in so long. Can we come over to visit.

I have no answers. And no energy to find them.

I am a mess to be around. That is, if I’ve let you be around me.

I feel people’s judgement of me not being out there in the world. I feel their disappointment when I cancel plans or say no for the 100th time.

I am crying writing this.

Motherhood is good.

I keep telling myself that.

It has to come true someday.